TEACHING LEADING BECOMING

 6/29/2021

DESTINY BIO

I am so appreciative of my formal education.  I learned a lot and most importantly, it gave me access to children.  But it was my informal education, my life experience that contributed to finding my life’s purpose and honing the skills to make a difference for the children whose lives I touched. 

Introduction

I’ve always had a heart for the disenfranchised student.  My broad teaching experience taught me to approach students with difficult-to-manage-behaviors with a sense of curiosity and wonder.  To me their interruptive behaviors, angry outbursts, and self-destructive actions pointed to deeper, underlying issues.  Rather than using punishment, consequences, and isolation, I learned how to address those issues with kindness, care, hope and love.  It changed how they responded.  

That powerful insight led to the development of Life Lessons, a transformational program for trauma-affected youth.

I believe that providing children access to their own inner resiliency and resources, by giving them the time and a safe place to understand themselves and their circumstance, will lead them to success unexpected by common methods.  When the underlying causes are identified and addressed in this manner it allows for understanding, healing and course correction.

Teacher, Foster parent, and the system

After a few years of teaching pre-school, elementary and then high school, I saw how each child came to the classroom as a different and unique individual with their own set of strengths, talents and personalities.  However, we categorized children only on the basis of age.

When I became a foster parent to, Darryl, a 13-year-old difficult child, I saw how his traumatic history affected his ability to learn, build and maintain healthy relationships and the toll the system had on his self-esteem.  Soon after Darryl moved in and refused to go to school I knew that I had to address his behavior from a new perspective.  Although this paradigm shift was untested, I trusted it and answers began to emerge.

How Did I grow up?

Memories of my childhood are of a happy family that extended to our grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles.  We took long summer camping trips to visit family around the country.  My memories are filled with hula hoops, baseballs, summer plays, collecting pollywogs and lots of laughter.  I can still smell the adobe earth and the boggy swamps.  Indoors there was always a puzzle to do, a book to read or a game to be played.  

My parents ‘took in’ friends (adults) and relatives (teenagers) when asked.  They provided a safe haven that gave family and friends a step up or a time away.  These visitors were always a nice addition, even if there were troubles at times.  My parents held an attitude of inclusion, communication and togetherness.  Looking back, it was probably harder for them than it looked to us kids.  I believe that it was this childhood experience that influenced my decision to become a foster parent as a single woman.  I thought Darryl would be with me for a few months or a couple of years and then be ready to face the world again without all the anger, rebellion and drug abuse.  I had no idea it would become a lifetime commitment.

What Am I trying to affect/change in the field of education?  

Schools are central to our collective culture.  It is the structure under which our children gather daily to experience a curriculum designed to enhance their mind as their brains grow and mature.  It is the place where they learn how to be in relationship with each other, how to share, be patient, listen, ask questions, be respectful, and have empathy.  Mental, physical and emotional growth happens in this environment for our children.  We, as educators, are the caretakers.
This is a tremendous calling.
How we operate our schools under that edict defines who we are as a community, a country and as a humanity.  The world is evolving and with it so should the function and structure of our educational system.  Evidence that we haven’t kept up with evolution are high drop-out rates, low graduation rates, in-school bullying, school shootings, and overall low performance.  

My mission is to bring the joy of teaching and learning back into the educational system through compassionate connection with each child’s unique personality, gifts and talents.

My contribution to that mission is to approach a student’s misbehavior with a sense of curiosity and wonder. I believe that access to a child’s own inner resiliency, when given the space to understand themselves, will lead them to a new way of behaving.

Backstory – inspiration to feel passionate about this?

Three things influenced me.  

1. Pushed out of the Teacher Credentialing Program (what the system did TO me)

2. Teaching kids who had difficulty learning (how the system affected children who learn differently)

3. Fostering a difficult child (how the system treats parents of difficult children)

I never had children of my own.  I became a foster parent as a single woman to a young 13year-old boy, Darryl, who had been born and raised in a harmful, familial environment.  His father was an abusive alcoholic, his mother was ineffective and the oldest brother was mean.  Growing up in this environment, traumatic things happened TO him, due to no fault of his own. He was just a kid.  By the time I met him, he was described as a drug addict, criminal, mentally unstable, a drop out, learning disabled, troubled and angry.

Aha moment

His misbehavior was bigger than I knew how to contain.  I’m saying this from a place of privilege.  I was educated, a teacher, a home owner, fairly stable.  But none of that was big enough to hold this child’s pain that was being displayed in anger, drug abuse and rebellion.  By the time he came to live with me he’d been given all the disciplinary actions that our system affords young, out of control males:  arrested, mental health facility, boys home, sent to live with a relative, kicked out of school.

None of those had a positive impact on his behavior.  In fact, most of them gave him credibility on the streets for being a ‘delinquent’: the opposite of what the goal of those actions were meant to do.  They were intended to be painful enough to bring him back into the fold. However, that was not balanced or matched by his credibility as a student or a son or a person.  Therefore, he was naturally drawn to where he was accepted and where his skills were valued-  the streets.

How did this idea arise?

As I became curious about what was missing and how we got here, I turned away from what had not worked so far and asked myself ‘What does he need right now to feel better about himself?’

-to be included in activities that were innocent or child-like in nature (bowling, baseball, eating ice cream)

-to be recognized for his inherent strengths (But what were they and how do you grow them enough to overcome his old habits?)

-to be provided enough structure to contain his harmful actions, but not take away his need to be in control or to be valued.

Sycnchronisity

Boy who found his brother after they had been separated through divorce.  His grandmother found the father at a mutual friends funeral.  From that meeting, the brothers were re-united.

None of us can be successful without help. 
Who helped me? Who could I get to help?

-Neighbors-let me know immediately if they saw him doing harm to others.

-Police on my/our side - I introduced him to the police and built a positive relationship. (I’m not contributing to the delinquency of a minor)

-My family- Support us in building a foundation of Love and Respect for his journey without fear or judgment 

-Therapists – to build his self-image, get a handle on his rage, help him understand his emotions and misbehaviors, provide a sacred space for him to trust, support him in learning and growing his way.  Learn to recognize the brilliance in him.

Message to others why they should consider making a positive impact on children, parents and teachers and the educational system, I would share this with them:
-Children are our future.

2 favorite ‘Life Lesson’ quotes:

I wanted only to live in accordance with the promptings that came from my True Self.  Why was that so very difficult? ~ Damien by Hermann Hesse

Later in life:
When one, and if that one is you, moves confidently in the direction of one’s dream, endeavoring to live the life one is imagining, one passes through an invisible boundary and begins to experience success unexpected in common hours. ~Thoreau

There are actions that parents, educators, children and the community can do
to help address the root causes of the problems to be solved-

How families and schools can become more responsive/adept at raising functional, successful, healthy children?

Things I want you to know and/or things I wish I were available to me as a teacher and a foster parent

-Bio-psycho-social dynamics

-ODD by definition requires relationship with the environment – why are we medicating the kid.

-We are the most important determinants of what happens to our children.  So what do we bring to them.

-Discipline – someone who learns; who follows.

-Keep relationships safe and supportive.

-3 modes of responding:
• Freeze (reptilian brain)
• Mammalian adrenaline mobilization response. Defensive modes. 
• Growth mode – social engagement mode (look at someone and engage).

-Create sense of safety – that’s the learning mode/growth mode. 

-If you told a child a 1000 times what to do and they still don’t do it – who’s got the learning problem?

-7 min. mindful exercise-music-

-What we don’t deal with inside ourselves will be passed on to our kids.

-Community Care System – Hunter Gatherer Tribe ultimate system - Attachment village

-When needs are ignored = stress